DON'T LOOK IN THE MIRROR: HOW OLD ARE YOU?

Try this. Close your eyes.  Do a little scan of mind and body.  What are you thinking?  How are you feeling?  Do you dwell in the past or project into the future?  What if all that exists is right now?  What if there was no real sense of time, of aging, of even the concept of chronological time?

It's a bit hard to suspend what we already know...we actually do have a concept of time and age.  But just for the purposes of this meditation, pretend you just showed up with a body and only a rudimentary sense of age (you know, for example, that you are not a child).  Someone asks, "How old are you?"  What would you answer?  If you didn't know your chronological age, how old would you say you are?  

Too often we age ourselves mentally by using external criteria and cultural overlay to determine our age, or least how we feel about it.  We look in the mirror and see wrinkles, sags, splotches, crepe-y underarms, cellulite infused thighs, breasts more sagging that pert.  We think, "OMG!  I'm OLD!  I'm UGLY!" And too often our feelings of self-worth take a nosedive.  And that's mostly because we live in a youth-obsessed culture where the "gold standard" of adult beauty is an unrealistically flawless template of perfection achieved somewhere in our late teens/early 20s. 

What if looking older was the gold standard for beauty?  What if wrinkles meant we'd laughed a lot and displayed this evidence of a happy life with pride?  What if the frown lines meant we'd been serious and studious and devoted ourselves to a life of determination and accomplishment and we wore the evidence of that with pride?  What if our soft bodies, with sagging breasts, wide thighs, and soft bellies were prized for finally being a comfortable place to hold a child, cuddle with a lover, celebrate a life of childbearing, work, and then ease?  What if every change we judge negatively was a change to be celebrated instead?  Self-worth would have a totally different definition.

I know a woman who recently had a not-quite-milestone birthday, but close enough.  She laments the changes her body has gone through, noticing a bit of sag and a few deepening lines on her face.  She feels "old" and unattractive.  She is fit; having recently taken up doing challenging hikes and backpacking.  She works full time at a stressful career and is great at it.  She has kids and a husband and a home and all that goes with that.  She's actually in the most productive, stressful, interesting, challenging time of her life.  I am sad for her that a few lines on her face are causing her to feel insecure.  I hate that our culture does this to women.  I am at a loss as to how to mentor her through this, except to try to give her some perspective from a woman who has been where she is.  I don't know if she can hear me.

I've hated my looks most of my life: too skinny, too fat, too white, too blotchy, too many freckles, too short, too wrinkled, too saggy, too unfashionable, too weak; too uncoordinated; too awful and just, well, too ugly.  This constant state of physical ill-ease has led me to outrageously ridiculous and even self-harming behaviors at various times in my life.  Trying to tan when I was young has left me with skin cancer issues ongoing.  Weight Watchers took a chunk of my paycheck while I yo-yo'd through their various programs with weight battles that left me for a time with outrageous binges and if not purges, at least hungry-all-the-time episodes of self-denial.  I've spent untold amounts of money on lotions and potions and every kind of make up in the cosmetics aisle. Some combination of"sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll" was my go-to for far too long in my youth, younger adult years, and even middle adulthood in an attempt to be fun and attractive, or at least an attempt at trying to forget I was not -- in my own mind at least. 

Nothing "worked" because nothing could.  The issue wasn't external.  It was me believing the lie that our bodies define us.  It was me believing the lie that to keep my man I had to look or act a certain way or he'd find his ideal elsewhere.  It was me believing the lie that doing everything to avoid looking/acting "old" was worth doing.  "Old" is the ultimate ugly; the ultimate defeat.

But one of the amazingly great things about growing in age is seeing through the lie.  I'm not sure this can be taught.  I think it has to just unfold and hopefully be embraced.  These bodies will change.  We will grow older, if we are lucky enough to be long-lived. We will solidify a value system that is unshakable and which supports and grounds us. How do we accept and respond to this reality?

We may decide to change unhealthy habits based on a desire to be fit and healthy as we grow older, not because skinny is in style.  We may decide to find a hairstyle that suits us, clothing that is comfortable and well-fitted.  We may decide to wear a little make-up and jewelry if it seems fun to do so -- not because without it we feel we can't leave the house.  We may decide that certain choices and behaviors no longer serve us, or reflect who we have become.  

We will understand that if our partner wanders it's not because of any deficit in us; they are acting from a place of deficit within themselves.  Maybe they crave attention, more appreciation, less stress, more feelings of their own self-worth, which is not going to come from outside themselves.  But their choices for how to deal with their inner struggles are not our responsibility and cannot be warded off by a diet or an injection or a going along with something that we don't want to -- there is no insurance policy against what another person chooses to do.  Just look at the some of the world's most beautiful women, by cultural standards, who have been cheated on and kicked aside.  It's not about the looks.  (P.S. He's getting older too...but so often men don't spend a lot of time lamenting their inevitable physical changes; they haven't been taught their worth depends upon how they look.)

I know many women of my age and older who are relieved to have seen through the lie and have found peace and acceptance with the face/body in the mirror; with who they are.  It is a relief.  It's a perspective I wish my younger friend could have now and not waste time on lamenting the passage of time and how that may impact her appearance.  She will always be beautiful -- great genetics.  She will always be fit and healthy -- a core value.  She will always be responsible and industrious -- to achieve her goals. She will always be kind and loving -- a gentle spirit.  She will always be funny -- a natural wit.  Those things matter and those things don't change.

I think we need to spend more time getting acquainted with our inner spirit, our sense of humor, our intellect, our curiosity, our abilities, our relationships, our accomplishments, our dreams, our goals, our loving hearts.  If you focused on those things, and didn't know your chronological age....how old would you be?  You might be surprised.

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com