The day after we got home we welcomed our family -- adult sons, their wives, the grandkids (and dogs) -- who planned all the food, prepped it, brought lawn games, and wrote speeches to toast us after Hub and I gathered everyone on the patio. We sat facing them in a semi-circle around us, not to renew any vows, but to share with each other, witnessed by our family, the words we'd written to each other to reflect upon our marriage and of how much we look forward to continuing to learn and grow and love together. Everyone was in tears as the last toast was offered. Our sons and daughters-in-law said the most beautiful affirming things to us. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect honoring of our 50 years.
50 years married. 54 together counting dating. 53 subtracting the troubled year we lived apart, but not divorced, early in our marriage. But we are going with the traditional 50. This will not be the exhaustive, definitive analysis of our marriage because who can do that? It's a long time. Still, this will be a long post with highlights of the past five decades. Forewarned.
1968-1972: We met in high school. We were kids. We were in love, in lust, in flux. Decisions were made without thought or intention, on auto-pilot. There were break ups, drama, craziness. We got married, he 22 and me 21. We "acted" like grown ups, working, going to school, trying to figure what we wanted in our life together, something we'd never really discussed. We were in a life together that seemed to surprise us at times...You? What are YOU doing here?
1973-1980: Hub got into medical school, we moved from our conservative home town to Chicago -- a big, international smorgasboard of never-before-known-to-us delights and opportunities. We started to pull in opposite directions, neither of us truly understanding how to be responsible adults one minute and grab the gusto of every option and experience the next. It was an intense time of individual change in ways that would come to define us still today. But at the time? Let's say it didn't go smoothly. At all. (That year of living apart was precipitated by some very bad behavior. I leave it at that.) But somehow we persevered. An earthquake of change shook us, but we were still standing, in some ways stronger than ever.
1980-1982: We left Chicago, our families and friends and all we'd ever known, and moved to the east coast. A new life and new experiences awaited there. It was only for two years, but it was an important time of cutting ties to everything familiar and clinging to each other as we made our way in new chapter. We felt like we'd landed in paradise, living 2 blocks from the Atlantic ocean on a barrier island near Charleston SC. We made lots of new friends, learned to love oysters, shared everything together with freedom, joy, and a lot of work for Hub as he began to build his career. I mostly went to school and the beach.
1982-1985: Moving to our current home meant really buckling down into adulthood. Hub had a real doctor job in a real clinic. We bought a real home, in an old established neighborhood with a killer view. We were alone together, excited but disoriented, until we slowly found our way to making a few friends and figuring out a whole new culture in this Pacific Northwest part of America, which couldn't be more different from Illinois or South Carolina.
1985-2010: Kids. Now there's a change. For us it wasn't easy. Unexplained infertility was our challenge. We finally decided we just wanted to be parents, not reproduce our genetic history. We chose to adopt through a new and groundbreaking program where birthmothers experiencing an unplanned pregnancy could choose the parents for her child by reviewing portfolios submitted by hopeful couples. We were chosen. Son One joined us and life turned upside down with joy, exhaustion, and complete commitment to family life. Two years later we did it again, and Son Two became part of our growing family. We tried again three years later -- it was not to be. We were chosen, but at the last minute the birthmother changed her mind. We were disappointed, but agreed we were complete with our boys. In retrospect, it's as it should have been. Our family is perfect. But childrearing is not for the faint of heart.
Hub was 100% devoted to his career; I was 100% devoted to home and kids. We each tried to carve out time for each other and family time, on top of kids, school, jobs, volunteer commitments, home chores and projects, a social life, occasional trips, the daily stress of trying to do it all. Not enough hours in the day, short tempers, exhaustion, differences in opinions and values and appetites, resentments, misunderstandings. We were also working together to create a loving home, family memories, solid values, and varied experiences for our kids. None of it was easy; much of it was joyful. And all of it was done together. Our commitment to each other still stood, even if some days there was still that thought...You? What are YOU doing here?
2010-2022: The kids grew up (now there's an understatement -- we had to get through some very challenging times to get to that stage!), graduated college, got jobs, left home. Hub retired (again, huge understatement about the ups and downs of a long and stressful career). I had pursued a later-in-life career in social work, then I retired too. We both saw our mothers through the challenges and heartaches of older age and dementia. But within the past 10 or so years, our sons found amazing women to love, got married; grandkids came into our lives. Circle of life.
NOW: Here's what I know today: Every single age and stage of this marriage has been examined. We've learned to know each other deeply, with help from some very intense personal growth work (both individually and together) that healed old childhood issues, helped us see the "real" in each other and the "why" behind our individual behaviors and values and world views. We went to counseling when we got really stuck, open to the "I don't know" vulnerability of finding our way through thickets of anger and confusion to emerge into a clearing filled with possibility.
Every morning now we sit with our coffee and talk together, not just about what to have for dinner or where to go on vacation or which light bulb needs replacing, but REALLY talk about about our hopes, fears, anxieties, stresses. "How are you today? What's up for you?" Absolutely nothing, nothing, is off limits. We've learned that stuffing feelings, keeping secrets, and harboring resentments only leads to disaster. We offer understanding, support, encouragement, help, feedback, our own truth, holding space for the other to vent, cry, talk through a problem, or share an insight, celebrate a joy. This can take 10 minutes or 2 hours. But we make it work, however long it takes. It's that important.
We've learned to keep loving. And maybe that has always been the glue. We don't really know why we are still standing together after 50+ years. There have been ample opportunities and temptations to just call it quits. But speaking the same personal growth language and being willing to really listen and change have served us well. So, here we are. We are incredibly proud of the marriage we've created.
"You? What are YOU doing here?" Just loving, just loving, just loving...and learning to keep making a life together that feels better than ever. Grateful. 🙏🏽
At least, that's the view from here...©
Happy
ReplyDeleteAnniversary/ You two have worked hard at marriage and that's the way its supposed to work. Nothing in life that is stagnant will ever last and your marriage sure isn't standing still.
Thanks. You are right...no life is "standing still" when you look deeply at it. I think of what I know about you and Don and you alone from your writing and I see YOUR life as one always on the move too with challenges, adventures, love, and optimism.
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