Day Three of the annual Kauai vacation and it's yet to be sunny for more than 10 minutes at a time. At least the mist and drizzle and showers held off today. It was cloudy and muggy. I had so looked forward to a respite from the Northwest gloom here -- radiant sunshine, cooling dips in the pool, gentle breezes under the palms. Mostly it feels silly to slather on the sunscreen, pull my lounge chair under a sheltering ironwood to keep the rain mostly off me, just to read a book. I went in the pool yesterday and the water took my breath for a minute. Not refreshing...more like frigid. But I'm a total cool water wimp. Get that temp up to 80 something and I'm happy.
On top of that, or perhaps because I have nothing else to distract me, I'm noticing I'm not young anymore. I don't mind being not young. I like being older. But I've been gobsmacked with some realities that are unsettling. I wrote last month about my annoyance that all aches and pains are attributed to age at a certain point in time. I also acknowledged that the cumulative effect of one thing after another is rather tiresome -- and worrisome.
I've still got that foot thing going on. Plantar Fasciitis. Oddly, my heel doesn't hurt that much when I am walking, but hours later when I'm just sitting around watching the TV, my heel area goes into full freak out mode with a regular painful throb and the occasional breathtaking stab of pain as if someone has taken a shiv to my foot. Yowl! Last night I resorted to extra meds just so I could sleep.
Hub is beyond frustrated with my non-compliance around his prescription of what seems to me to be excessive amounts of Aleve and Tylenol, but which he assures me is the therapeutic dose. Maybe so, but I'm convinced I'll have kidney failure by morning with all that in my system. This is an ongoing problem for us. I know he's a doctor; I know he knows what he's talking about. I love when he can diagnose and give advice to our friends. I'm proud of him and his knowledge. But when it comes to me, I just see that 17 year old brainiac quarterback I dated in high school who mostly was trying to, well, you know...."get to know me better".
But he is a real doc and today when I showed him a "weird thing going on" with my range of motion in my left leg, he actually grew concerned, did a quick exam and declared I should get a hip x-ray. WTH? I don't know what to make of that, but sure, I guess. Why not? My eyes blur when I read, my knee is crunchy, my tinnitus seems worse, my foot throbs...let's throw in some hip issue too. THIS is the part of growing older I don't like --- the piling on of physical woes and the tiresome need to attend to it all with remedies that fix one thing while causing some malfunction elsewhere.
Also, I believe I've run out of time to be beautiful. I see women on the beach -- in their 30's, 40's, 50's -- tanned and toned, lovely features, great hair, rockin' bods. I try to be objective, but I know that was never me and never will be. I was skinny once, but lily white and covered in freckles (still white and freckled and blotched and bulged). I was heavier for awhile... and I've been creeping up there again. I feel fine until I see myself while passing the hall of mirrors leading to the exit to the beach (cruel mirror placement), then I get startled by how far afield my fantasy of me is from the reality. Today as I lay back on my chaise, I thought I'd do a quick selfie. OMG! All I could see was jowls, double chins, and ponderous breasts!
Well, I'm sure all of this negative self-assessment will pass with the clearing of the clouds. It's hard to look out at the slate gray skies reflected in the slate gray waters of the Pacific and not wonder if staying home fully clothed might have been the better choice. Aloha.
At least that's the view from here...
P.S. Upon re-reading, I get that this is a very whiny post. Grousing about clouds in Hawaii? Whining about an achy foot? Jealously eyeing women and like a 16 y/o thinking I'm not as pretty? Oh well...this blog is me, warts and all. (NO! I don't really have any warts!) ©
Where you live you get so much rain and gloomy weather that anyone would get depressed if on vacation in Kauai you couldn't leave that behind.
ReplyDeleteI have a similar foot thing! It's fine during the day when I'm walking around but at night it drives me crazy! At bedtime I decide if I want an Aleve, an Ambien or nothing.
Don't knock the self-assessment. It's not negative, it's humor and lots of comedians have made a good living poking fun of themselves. That's my story and you are welcome to borrow it.
Wall of mirrors should be against the law!
Love your story. Borrowing! And those mirrors should be banned!
DeleteI will turn 75 this summer...3/4 of a century. Lots of this-that-and-those aches, pains, major/moor surgeries, non-repairable rips and tears and blotches and purple-throbbing where quiet veins once did their work. But, about 20 years ago I said, "what the f$#@...this is who I am" and decided to quit worrying about the outer me. Yes, I ache and yes, I wheeze and yes, I will fester and rot before I finally die. Not soothing words, I understand, but I am about to age into 3/4 of a century! And I never saw myself as cute or even promising..what I saw in 8th grade was a person who would have to grow up smart and giving because she would never be able to be forgiven or liked because of her appearance. I say, try your husband's Rx idea...give it six months...and then, if you don't think it is worth it...stop. Yo can always say "no" after to give it a whirl.
ReplyDeleteWise words, my friend...
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