THROUGH THE BRIAR PATCH

I have an ENORMOUS resistance to writing in this blog about the national political scene, even though it takes up an inordinate amount of my time, emotional and psychological energy, and thought.  I scarcely know where to start and have nothing substantive to say that hasn't been said, and excellently so, by commentators coast to coast.  But I also can't seem to bring up the energy to write about anything else either.

So, politics:  There is so much I could write about the every day erosion of our norms, values, and laws; about the dismantling of government departments and oversight; about the attempts to silence our media and the intrusion into the private lives of citizens; the lawless responses to immigration and racial tensions; just the abject ignorance of the man who is president and the boorish cronies who surround him; the sometimes dangerously ignorant and often vile people who support him, as well as those who's selfish self-interest is such that they are using him for personal gain, those less privileged be damned.  I've run out of adjectives or "cute-sy" monikers to refer to him.  I don't want to stoop to his sophomoric level by calling him ridiculous and insulting names, but in my head I call him the most horrific things I can think of and they don't begin to touch the depth of disdain I have for this person.  I have never felt this way in my life.  Ever.

I've tried so hard to be positive, to let love guide me, to be compassionate and understanding, to focus on what needs to be done, to fight the good fight, to resist and never give up, to make my calls and do my marches and write my emails and postcards, to read and be well-informed, to try to see things from another's perspective, to post copiously to social media, hoping to educate and inspire others to take action.  To practice gratitude.

And it is exhausting.  This week I decided not to post anything political to my Facebook page.  Some miss my daily line up of commentary and re-posts, others are likely relieved.  I know in the past I've felt some FB friends were 'one note wonders' of only posting about their pet irritations or projects and I just wanted them to give it a rest.  I get that others may feel similarly about me.

I've done some thinking this morning about this experiment in stepping back just a little bit.  The first couple of days were excruciating.  I white-knuckled the urge to hit "share" on the best of the best of the commentators who speak and write the words I wish I could put together.   I composed posts in my head that never got posted.  I shut the lid on my laptop and left my phone sitting idle on the kitchen counter, just so I could walk away from my obsession with posting -- the unhealthy "need" I had to try to keep motivating others to action.

I recognize a pattern here...my desperation to do everything I can to right a wrong once I take hold of a cause.  In this case the "causes" are so plentiful and varied that I'm having trouble focusing and everything seems to be of equal urgency.  I realize I don't trust others to do their part (hello, Ego) and I get all judge-y about those who seem to be able to turn it off -- those who turn away and say they have no time or energy for it.  I'm envious, in a way.  I want to turn it off too.  I can't.  At least not for long.

So, I'm trying to at least find a lesson here.  I'm watching what really is going on for me and I've come up with a list, rudimentary and fledgling at this point -- 5 days into not discussing politics online.

 My feelings:
1.  I feel relieved about taking a break online; also concerned; also like I'm shirking my responsibility.
2.  I realize others really are also stepping up; I'm more mindful of friends' political posts; I'm not alone.
3.  I'm still judge-y about those who are silent; I hope they are taking action in their off-line lives.
4.  Rage; helplessness; fear have not abated.

I notice what really punches me in the gut:
1.  Hypocrisy
2.  Sexism/misogyny/racism/ageism...every time somebody denigrates another for who they are
3.  Narrow and one-sided definitions of patriotism
4.  Bullying; taunting; acting from blind privilege
5.  Cavalier heartlessness.

What I've gotten quiet enough to realize:
1.  White privilege and the insidiousness of racism -- so much to learn and understand.  For example, all my whining about the past year, including in this post, is NOTHING compared to generations of this shit aimed at people of color!  I have been wrapped in a nice soft blanket of white privilege that continues to this day in spite of my current dismay.  Do I have a right to my feelings about the current political situation?  Yes.  Do I have a right to compare my plight to that of those who have suffered the inequalities, outrages, struggles, pains, fears, and deaths others have endured due to having skin of a darker hue?  No.  No.  No.
2.  Yes, being female has provided me with experiences of discrimination.  And, I'm still white and straight and financially secure.  How can I use those privileges to best effect?

What I've lost in the past year, since the conventions and election:
1.  Naivety -- No, good does not automatically conquer in the face of evil.  Sometimes evil wins -- for awhile.  Sometimes the "good guys"  (or "good enough" guys) will not step up and act from a place of care, compassion, truth and justice; sometimes self-interest wins at great cost of human suffering.  The US is no freaking utopia of freedom for all.
2.  Optimism -- See above
3.  Energy  --  I'm psychologically and physically tired much of the time.
4.  Creativity -- Writing has become a chore, not a joy, most days; the effort to sit down and create something good and positive is covered by a patina of restless exhaustion and hopelessness, such that nothing I write feels authentic, certainly not anything "frivolous".
5.  Humor -- Oh, I still laugh...a lot!  Or I'd wither and die.  But often, my laughter is tempered with tears, with anger, with grief, and confusion.

In spite of all this sounding like I'm again in the throes of depression, I'm not.  Thankfully!  Cuz, Lordy, that would be a mess!  But I am in the throes of discernment -- taking time to REALLY think and feel and sort out what has happened to our country and to me, so I can find a way forward that is less overwhelming, more hopeful, less exhausting, more energizing.

This week has been a healthy experiment in breathing through compulsions; in feeling the fear and rage instead of dispelling it with written vitriol;  in quieting my mind and body just a little to start to feel (normal???) again.

I don't know where I'm headed; the path seems blocked by thorny briars right now.  But I'm driven to move forward, in fits and starts.  There just has to be a sunny meadow at the end of the trail.  Wow...that sounded downright optimistic!

At least, that's the view from here...©

PS  No sooner had I hit "publish" than I came across this by a blogger I admire:  https://johnpavlovitz.com/2017/07/02/missing-america-never/?utm_campaign=coschedule&utm_source=facebook_page&utm_medium=John+Pavlovitz