I don't have any patience today for being politically correct or writing to a specific sensibility or coming up with a lesson or feel-good ending to this post. I'd just like to rant for a moment....
DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY SUCK!!! I can't remember a day in the past 6 weeks that I haven't felt miserable for at least part of the day; haven't cried and hated myself; felt frightened and panicked. It's all so familiar: I've had anxiety and episodic depression since I was about 4 years old. These Twin Demons are old enemies who bully and torment me periodically. It's such a relief when they leave for their Underworld Retreat (likely resting up for the next assault). But back they come, often out of the blue for no goddamn good reason at all, even though every single goddamn time I try to figure out "why?"
Now don't get yourself all caught up at this point and start recommending I "see somebody". I've seen many somebodies over the years; have popped the pills and worked my ass off through debilitating withdrawal to get off the pills; have sat in support groups; amassed a huge arsenal of weapons to help ward off the worst of the attacks, but this one has sent me reeling. Hub is my rock and my support, but even he may be tiring of the whine and tears at this point. I know I'm sick of me.
So, where did this come from? Here are the "whys" that are up for me this time: Seven months ago I lost a community that was central to my life; a community I had devoted my time, talent, and treasure to for many years, with a vision that sustained and motivated me to work my ass off. It all came tumbling down in a hurtful and ugly way and I left. I'm not a quitter -- don't think I've ever quit anything before that I'd made a commitment to -- but swimming in a toxic river just cuz I know how to swim doesn't make the water cleaner. It just pulls me into a dangerous eddy where either I have to fight my way out to survive or surrender to the never-ending swirl of sameness. Nope. Not gonna do that. Some think those who left this community have "taken the easy way out". That opinion couldn't be further off the mark or more hurtful, given the pain some of us have felt over this whole debacle. I wish them well and actually those there seem to be happy and content; apparently things are as they want them to be. I just can't be one of them.
Simultaneously, my brother endured a seven month relapse and ugly decline due to cancer. He died a little over a month ago. I am the only living member of my original family and I am sad and scared as I look in the mirror and see the wrinkles, the sags, the gray hairs. Every twitch and twinge gets self-diagnosed as cancer or a heart attack (the killers in my family), and every forgotten name is evidence of dementia (another scourge I watched my dear, strong, capable, rock of a mother succumb to). The list of feared ailments grows by the minute. And there is always in the back of my mind those episodes of unexplained fainting I had a few years ago. If they couldn't tell me why and fix it, I know only too well it could happen again as it did then out of the blue. What if...I'm home alone with my grandbaby? Driving my car? Walking down a flight of stairs? Oh, I can "what if" myself into oblivion, but my greatest fear is that some harm would come to my little Jewel while she is in my care. I almost can't breathe just thinking of it.
So, what to do? I've got a doctor appt tomorrow and will likely be referred to Behavioral Health where I will sit and yammer on to a therapist who will want to put me on meds again and I will refuse and then s/he will be frustrated at my lack of "compliance". Screw that. I've also been Googling "mindfulness meditation" classes in the area, believing that form of meditation to be best suited to this malaise. I just need more direction and training and a firm commitment to "just do it". I'm motivated and found one class about 6 blocks from my house. Never knew that. Thank you, Jesus. (Or was it Buddha?) Will keep up the Yoga and treadmill commitments, take a week off from Granny Nannying to get a bit of a break from that responsibility, spend time with my supportive, funny, compassionate friends who remind me who I am when I forget. I will try to be gentle and compassionate with myself, but really a hallmark of the disease is a marked lack of self-compassion.
This is all so ugly to admit. A goal I always set for myself when the Twin Demons aim to beat the crap out of me (so I don't devolve into a bedridden bundle of angst and soggy tissues) is to do "one brave and courageous" thing a week. This week it's to hit "publish" on this post. I guess by revealing this struggle I hope to demonstrate commonality with someone out there who might feel better in their own battle with the bullies, knowing they at least are not so alone in the shit-storm. If the Twin Demons haunt you too, you know how all-consuming and crazy-making it feels and how much you hate it. Yep, this sucks.
Now, wasn't that fun? Oh gosh...Don't worry! Be happy!
At least, that's the view from here... ©
It's got to suck to have reoccurring bouts of depression and anxiety. While I've certainly experienced these things in my life they are not something that I've experienced very often without extremely good reasons to trigger them--deaths in the family, illnesses, Wall Street Crash. My husband, however, did have reoccurring depression for reasons he couldn't identify. Thankfully, the last 12 years of his life he had really good luck taking the lowest dosage of Celexa (citalopram), an antidepressant in a group of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors.
ReplyDeleteI hope your doctor can give you some referrals that actually help or look promising. Have you tried bio-feedback? keep us posted, okay? Rants are good. We all need to do that from time to time.
Sorry for the delay in replying....I changed my email address for comments and it was stuck in cyberspace. Thank you so much for your comments. I was pretty hesitant to write such an honest and raw accounting of my mental state. But reaching out always gives back.
DeleteP.S. Catch the virtual hug coming your way.
ReplyDeleteOh my. Thank you. I feel it. :)
DeleteYour brother died. Your church has changed which means what you do with your time has changed. Of course you feel horrible. And, as someone who occassionally battles the feeling that sometimes "even taking a breath is wrong, drinking water someone else could use is wrong and eating food that could feed someone else is wrong" you have done a good thing my posting this. Sometimes depression feels out-of-our-control and sometimes it IS but we keep plodding along. For me that means walking and trying to make someone out there smile or laugh. For you it is being honest with your blog and honest with your emotions. For someone else it means getting out of bed to make breakfast. I am sorry such difficult feelings are clouding your mind. I won't call them negative because I believe they have a purpose - we just may not know what that purpose is - and may not know for months after. Much love and compassion and sympathy dear one.
ReplyDeleteI so appreciate your comments, your care, your friendship....and your visit and the magazine. Your thoughtfulness is a healing balm. And I notice no matter how awful I might feel, there are those who I can still laugh with. Thanks for that too. Hugs.
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ReplyDeleteAwestruck at your courage. Holding you tightly in my heart. Casting departure spells on the demons. This WILL pass. .. let it be soon.
ReplyDeleteLove you and your strong, ongoing support. Love...
DeleteI'm honored to read this post and revel in your bravery to post it. It may have felt like a rant to you, but over here it is an act of service to others. Thank you
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sandy. I truly believe in telling our personal truths. I have often been gifted strength and insight from others' stories. I hope mine offer others the same.
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