FOUR HUGS A DAY...

Son One is a champion hugger.  Always has been.  He should give lessons.  Tender, yet firm.  Loving, not suffocating.  Just the right length of time to be meaningful without getting creepy or smarmy.  And perfectly reciprocal...it's as much for hugger as for the huggee.  Everybody feels good when it ends.

(I take credit, since this Charlotte Diamond song was our theme song when he was in preschool!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lI7JzSW7PJ0)

Still, hugging is something I continue to find interesting and slightly startling.  Strange, given that a lot of people would consider me a huggy type too.  It's been an acquired taste, a learned skill.

I didn't grow up in a huggy family.  Oh, within the family we were all quite affectionate -- my parents were huggers of us kids.  But I don't believe I EVER saw either of them hug an adult -- not a friend, not another adult family member.  Just wasn't done -- until my sister-in-law came along.  My brother's wife was/is such a friendly, loving force of nature that to deny her sweet hugs would be to deny everything good in the world.  Still, I came to understand the pre-sister-in-law "no hug zone" as a cultural thing, in my mom's case especially, being of the Norwegian persuasion.  Pure, undiluted joy was mainly expressed with a half smile.  In my dad's case hugging was not, no not at all, macho.  Guys don't touch guys.  And guys only touch most women with one goal in mind, otherwise why bother?  End of story.

So, when I met Hub's family for the first time I was startled and overwhelmed by the hugginess that was part of every greeting and parting.  At first I was quite uncomfortable with it, but with time I came to look forward to the big smiles and open arms at their front door.  I felt welcomed and loved.  I felt wanted.  And my own family's more refined greetings felt devoid of emotion by comparison.  I was learning a new way.

Much later, when Hub and I started to do our personal growth work, hugging was a given, almost a requirement.  The men were all about embracing their newfound freedom in emotional expression and  brotherhood.  Men hugging men was a common ritual everywhere we went.  The women were set free to hug away too, without restraint, in expression of our deep and abiding female...femaleness, I guess.  We even started to judge those for whom hugging was not the di rigueur greeting as less emotionally and psychologically evolved.  Oh, give people a little learnin' and they will lord it over the uneducated!

On the other hand, I have been the victim of unwanted hugs.  A woman of my acquaintance some years ago would barrel at me with arms wide every time she saw me, which was rather frequently, engulfing me in her clutches, murmuring "great to see yous" while I struggled to breathe into her ample bosom as she towered a good 8 inches over me, thinking to myself, "But I don't even like you!"  Finally I had to set a boundary with her and say, "If I want a hug, I'll ask for one; otherwise, um, no."

Another memorable and decidedly uncomfortable hug came from a man who's father had just died.  For some reason, he sought me out for solace, and naturally I felt a nice sympathetic hug was in order. He proceeded to cling to me far, far, far beyond good sense and good taste.  He wasn't crying or talking or doing anything other than embracing me with a vice grip that felt assaultive after awhile.  I lost most of my compassion for him and avoided his physical approaches thereafter.  I felt he took advantage, or was just weird.  I know I felt violated.

So, I've become a little selective about my hugs -- both getting and giving.  There are friends and family for whom a hug is a given.  It feels good and expresses warmth and caring.  There are others where a smile, a handshake, or a high five are more appropriate.  I try to not assume anything.   I protect my boundaries and respect those of others.

I love that Son One, his wife, and their daughter are all great huggers -- all three able to make that warm embrace feel like a non-verbal expression of caring, freely given without any agenda other than to make a meaningful loving connection.

Same as the Scandinavian half smile, only softer.

At least, that's the view from here....©