But here's the thing. So far my decorating consists of a kitchen countertop covered with scraps of paper upon which I've started various lists: gifts to buy, groceries to shop for and prep, guests to invite, cleaning to do, RSVPs that need a response.... And there are duplicates, naturally, of lists I started and lost and re-wrote...
Without my lists, I would get nothing done. But today I feel like the ONLY thing I am doing is writing more lists! This is the point where my inner Scrooge is screaming, "IT'S NOT WORTH IT!"
Yesterday I had a long talk with Hub about this annual struggle of mine. He pointed out that, while he didn't love being out in the rain and the wind stringing festive holiday lights on the bushes and house, he just kept visualizing how great it would look when he was done. He said I get stuck in the "hassle-factor" processes of things and lose sight of the goal.
Bingo! I've never been much of a goal-setter. I react more often than act...at least in some places in my life. I have a vague notion of an end result of some endeavor, fantasizing a soft focus magical feat of perfection, but to back up and figure out how to make that happen, then do all the work required (some of it no fun!), and know it will NOT be perfect, I just conclude, "Not worth it!"
Writing this sort of stuns me. I am known as a pretty organized and responsible person. I take leadership in lots of things. One might mistake me for being mature. But what I wrote in the previous paragraph is anything but. It's lazy, whiny, and damned immature, in my judgment ... and I am EXCELLENT at judging myself!
So, now I am making a list of all the events (goals) of the coming weeks: Parties to host and to attend, dinner out with friends, family birthday party (mine!), Christmas Eve/Christmas Day family festivities, church services and emcee-ing a retirement program for our minister. All of them are going to require planning, purchasing, organizing, and prepping in a myriad of ways.
But I will keep my eyes on the "prize" of being there, with family and friends, the work of it all behind me. And once at my goal, I will be present with what is....not critiquing the imperfection of the end result, but appreciating the perfection of being blessed enough to have such an abundance of love and connection in my life.
Something to add to the Gratitude List.
At least, that's the view from here...©
FROM AN EMAIL: I have a thought to share with you about your transitioning Christmas experience. What if "Christmas" were a play and you were a main character in that play every year. You have been playing this part since you were a young adult. Would you crave for your part to change to prevent a boring repetition of doing the same thing year after year after year? So here it is, you get a new part every year and you write the script, how fun and creative is that. Permission to change each scene is required with the absence of expectations.
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