I am already thinking this post should probably be in my personal pity-party journal, rather than here to be endured by my readers. But since this blog is about honesty and maybe validating the thoughts and feelings of others, here goes:
I am a failure at Christmas. Take this morning. Hub headed up to the mountain for a day of snowboarding. I pretended I was going to clean the house. (He should have seen through that). But, no! Sneaky girl that I am, I saw it as a day to go out there and do some Christmas gift shopping! I had a couple of ideas in mind, a couple of little things for Hub, as well as this's and thats for the rest of the clan. I brushed my hair out of my face, put on a cute little outfit and sensible shoes and timed my drive to the "big mall" 20 minutes south of where I live to arrive not long after opening so I could park within 1/2 mile of the entrance. It went swimmingly.
Then I went directly to the store where I just knew I'd have success with the items for Hub. That's where it went wrong. (I can't be specific here, cuz Hub reads this blog regularly, bless his heart -- "Hub, close your eyes!") The items in question are not exotic; they should have had them. The first, nada. The second, a dumb and crazy-expensive version of what I wanted. And the clerk was rude, so I left...right after purchasing the cute, cuddly jacket for myself which I found on the sale rack. And a pair of gloves I've been wanting. The dress didn't fit, so I vowed again to cut back on sweets and to hop on the treadmill when I got home.
I was a little flustered with my lack of success at what was supposed to be the easy part of this shopping expedition. I got outside that store and started heading to the department store across the mall to shop for others, and with each step, visualizing that huge store, my unfamiliarity with where things were there, the plethora of overwhelming choices I would face....my steps slowed. I stopped, closing my eyes as happy shoppers streamed around me, and decided I just couldn't do it. I did an about-face and headed for the parking lot.
By the time I got back to my town I had thoroughly chastised myself for wimping out. I decided to give it another go at a smaller version of the same store north of my town. (Yes, that's a lot of miles, gas, time....Shush!) But first I had to do something, I don't know, comforting. Hello Starbucks! (Forgetting that lose weight vow of only 20 minutes earlier). Eggnog Latte and Cranberry Bliss Bar in hand I was back in the car and heading north....for 2 blocks. Again, the store loomed in my imagination, parking, going in, choices, indecision, expense....grrr...I turned and headed home, kicking myself for not being more creative about gift-planning the other 11 months of the year.
That's where I go wrong. I detest shopping in general. I'm OK at specific things at specific stores, but to "go shopping" just for fun, or "nose around" for no particular reason, or "I'll find something eventually" adventures do not appeal to me. So every December I am in this same predicament. I didn't plan ahead, I didn't "craft" anything appropriate, any imagination or brilliance I might have had, say, in July is now as soggy and wet and inhospitable as this morning's weather.
Oh, I'll figure it out and pull it together. I always do. But I am not a fan of the season. I think it's because, like with so many things as I look back, I did not pace myself. I used to be really good at this. I was the friggin' Christmas Fairy around here, creating holiday magic and rituals and traditions, as if my children's childhoods would be bereft without them. Then they grew up and I grew tired.
Yes, I know it's not about gifts. But I don't even feel like decorating this year. I'm slowly turning into the biggest Scrooge ever, if scored on the "Outward Displays of Christmas Spirit" scale.
What I want and what I will get, for sure, (gifts or not, decor or not) is... time with my beautiful family, a fire in the fireplace, yummy food, board games, jigsaw puzzles, holiday music, special gatherings and services at my church, parties with friends....
As for something to open on Christmas morning, I wish I could just wrap my heart, so full of love and devotion and pride and compassion, and offer it to everyone I care about as a talisman to keep them safe, content, and in love with life forever. That's what I wish. No shopping required.
At least, that's the view from here....©
I am working and, thus, have done NOTHING so far that speaks to the holidays...Wednesday, maybe, I will put up lights asnd think about cards. Or maybe I won't. Mostly, I love to cook and I look forward to the end of next week when I can bake my four types ofcookes plus make fruitcake (yes, my husband and I - and the guy downstairs - are the three people in the world who adore fruitcake) and go shopping. My grandkids' present will have to do with activities and not possessions. With my job I have been entering the homes of rich, not rich, and middle and poor and I find that even the poorest of us enjoy a decorative celebration. it lightens our lives to imagine better times. so, I'm not holiday yet - but I am anticipating some fun. final note - our youngest daughter gave us a bunch (!) of money so we can buy a working dishwasher! Yes!!!!
ReplyDeleteFROM AN EMAIL:
ReplyDeleteWhy not a talisman representing your heart that can be readily accessed by the recipient.