Lately, I've noticed something a little startling. Since publishing a photo with the obituary is now "en vogue", I immediately scan the photos before going back to read the "stories" and with nearly each obit I think I recognize the person! I rarely do know them, but at first glance everyone looks familiar! I realize this is because most are around my age or a little older...."elders" over 60.
The lie I tell myself is that I don't look my age ... certainly don't look as old as those people who regularly show up at high school reunions, Class of '68 for Hub and Class of '69 for me (yes, we were high school sweethearts). And I want to believe I don't look the age of the people in the obits. But the reality is, I certainly identify them as my age cohorts, or those of my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins -- people I know!
I also always look for a clue as to the cause of death. I like it when they say what caused the deceased demise right in the first paragraph, especially if the deceased is my age or younger. I like to think "Well, that couldn't happen to ME!" I want to be reassured that I am living in a land where death doesn't visit.
But I also notice lately that I'm relating more and more to what did them in. I know people with heart disease, cancer, Alzheimer's! I know people who died unexpectedly, or in an accident, or on a trip. Death visits all the lands in which I roam.
One time I was on a visit to see my parents when they were probably in their 70's. My mom took a phone call and turned to my dad and said, "Honey, we lost another friend...." I will never forget the look of grief on her face, shock and sadness on his. I will never forget the phrase, "....another friend." At a certain age, death comes calling with frightening regularity.
When an acquaintance around my age died suddenly a few years ago, it was a wake-up call of sorts. So a couple of gal-pals and I got together to plan our own funerals. It was a lark. It was fun. We laughed a lot and made elaborate plans for our funeral/memorial services. Music, flowers, eulogies. All of that needs updating now. (I no longer think it would be "cool" to play "Sympathy for the Devil" to end the service, no matter that I'm still a Stones fan.)
We also wrote our own obituaries. One common thread of the obituaries I read every day is that they are relentlessly positive. Each person was the greatest person who ever lived. I'm sure they could also be total "shits" but who wants to remember someone's flaws and foibles? I love that in memory, only the best traits survive -- at least in print. I have a boxful of yellowed newspaper clippings, obituaries saved by my grandmother and then my mother, of relatives who died. They are a treasure of family history. They, too, were the best people who ever lived.
I also want to be remembered fondly, for being a loving wife, amazing mother, cherished grandmother, exemplary friend, devoted to my spiritual practices and my community. (Please leave out the parts about me being a little neurotic, meddlesome, self-centered, anxiety-prone, and whiney).
Finally, I want my cause of death to be "excessive dancing" at age 106. And if you want to throw in a little Rolling Stones tune at the memorial, well, that might be OK after all.
At least, that's the view from here....©
I clearly remember my parents in their mid 70s beginning the long slide that took away their friends and coworkers and churchmates and so on. Some months it was one a week! This past weekend I attended the 90th birthday party of my godmother (who I've known for 63 years!) and the room was packed with...wait for it...really old people! None in great condition, or even good condition, but they were there, eagerly toasting her with champagne and my 89 (90 in a month) year old mother was darting about like the social committee chatting with folks. So yes, live every day as best you can and dance 'til you drop.
ReplyDeleteMy memory is vivid ,also, of my parents later but active lives when they began to go to funerals of friends. I became increasingly aware of this regularity and it's steady bloom into weekly remembering if not actual attendance at their friends parting celebration or more morbid long sermons about God's saving grace. I think it weighed on them. Put the reaper in their face - too close,too often. I guess that's one way to reflect on one's own life and bring a better presence to what is real and nurturing on this day, this moment. Kathy P
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ReplyDeleteNailed it, as usual!
I have been thinking of the music for my memorial service. Who would think to play Leonard Cohen's "Halleluia" (sp?) or maybe 'Don't Fence me In'. 'I'll Fly Away' maybe. And I have to ask my friend if she will do the service. She is younger than I am by several years and I can just hear her humor entering the day.
My husband wants "Green Onions" played at his memorial. I am mulling folk songs and, actually, some really great country western stuff.
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ReplyDeleteI would vote for top rating for your Obituary post. I’m actually jealous, wish I had written it, because I share your reactions and identify with your experiences – but you wrote about it so well!
I also vote for top rating for the Anne Romney speech column. Laugh out loud, girl. I’d like to see these in an anthology.
I like the other columns quite a lot as well; am glad to get to know some more things about you, although the politics one isn’t really news to me. I find it very interesting how you are navigating the honesty versus privacy issue.
I really think you have a gift for this short essay medium!
From Avie
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Thanks for all the comments! Love that you are showing up here and can relate to my musings. I'm smilin' at ya.
ReplyDeleteLoved the Ann Romney story. It's the only one I have time to read - but I'll be back! It made me laugh out loud!
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