Someone told me I should write a book and "tell us how it's done". Wouldn't that be nice? A "how-to" manual in a one-size fits all format. It would have saved me a lot of heartache had someone handed me that 40 years ago. But that's not how it works. We all make our own way in relationships. Sometimes the way works; sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes we ought to run for the hills; other times hanging in there is the best course. Who am I to know what would work for someone else?
This is do know. I said I was married to the "same man" for 40 years. That's not really true. Nor is he married to the "same woman" who stood at the altar with him on that hot July afternoon. Hub and I often joke about our "many lifetimes" together. We recognize the changes we've undergone, separately and together, and realize that we are no longer the same people we were then in some very essential ways. I love that! I guess I love it because I think we are better now, but not as good as we are gonna get.
And therein lies what works for us. We've learned that change is inevitable, that introspection and the desire to live a life of integrity, accountability, commitment, and inner peace are touchstones that allow us to stretch into unfamiliar lands of exploration and discovery. We are willing to wrestle with our personal demons, acknowledge them, heal them, and move into the light of self-knowledge that precedes meaningful personal growth. We have the compass of those guiding principles and find we are lost less often and have an easier time getting back on track when we do lose our way.
Also, we love each other. We accept each other. And most importantly we respect each other and have each other's backs. I am like a Mother Bear when I feel Hub is unjustly treated; it's hard to get back in my good graces if you mess with my man. As for him, he is my constant champion, always believing in me, cheering me on.
We also tend to agree, usually, on the stuff that often creates un-breachable rifts in couples: money, religion, politics, sex, how to raise kids...basically, we have the same "world view". We both tend toward introversion. We like the same music and movies and sports teams. We value family. We have mutual friends and give each other lots of space to enjoy individual friendships as well. I think many of these commonalities were there from the beginning, or maybe it's the many years of trial/error/compromise that has created so much "alikeness" at this point. Reminds me of people who tend to look like their dogs. We often choose those who are a reflection of ourselves -- we are compatible.
But there are points of difference too. Sometimes we choose those very unlike ourselves, being drawn to that very different-ness as a way to experience another way of being without having to really be that other way. Hub and I have made some peace, although frustration sometimes rears an ugly head, with those places that we probably won't ever share with the same passion.
He is an outdoorsy, athletic, mathematically-inclined, rational individual, who knows what he wants and how to get it, and is persistent enough to ensure he is successful in whatever he undertakes. I think he sees life as a problem to be solved and he is sure he can do it. He can be sort of serious. I, on the other hand, could spend days in a bookstore and/or coffee shop, love pop culture, the world of words (reading/writing), have a "messy" mind that seems to see all sides of every issue and "feels" rather than "thinks" my way through situations. I see life as absurd; if you are articulate and can make me laugh, I'm yours.
Together we get to be all of these things. I visit beautiful places in nature, love football, and have learned to be organized and work toward goals. He shares my passion for Ecstatic Dance, Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart, and can often "go with the flow" now even better than I. In some ways, since retirement, we've even done some role reversal -- he lazing about 'til noon most days and me up at 5:30 ready to tackle a to-do list. Weird!
So, anyway, I don't know. There are no easy answers to how to stay married for 40 years. Those many lifetimes together have sometimes just been an endurance race....hanging in there. And sometimes I have thought about what my life would be like without him, losing myself in a fantasy of singleness, freedom, no more negotiating and compromising....and it feels both liberating and lonely. At other times those many lifetimes together have just been the air I breathe. I am so connected to this man and our marriage that without him I'd feel cut loose in space, floating forever alone, unable to ground myself in all that I have known and loved, without him by my side. I know how that sounds. I still mean it.
We are a couple; we love each other; we re-commit every single day that we wake up together and move through another day together and go to sleep at night together. We are here, companions on this path. We aren't going anywhere else. We don't know what future lifetimes await us -- certainly there will be joy and challenge, just as there always has been. Our desire now is to be fully present in each moment, moving into our Eldering years with grace and gratitude, together. We'll do our best; life will do the rest.
At least, that's the view from here....©
No comments:
Post a Comment