I don't think I'm depressed. I know that condition intimately. This doesn't really feel like that. This feels different, but has some of the same characteristics, primarily not being very interested in things that used to consume me, like near-obsessive personal and relationship-related personal growth work, political outrage, pining after connections and relationships that just don't work anymore in the way they used to or that I had hoped. I'm also almost desperate to get rid of things. I look around and poke through storage areas and mostly I just don't care. Let it go. Let it all go.
This has all come up before, but I've struggled with it. Now it doesn't feel like a struggle. It just is. I do wonder if this might mean I'm dying. They say the task of my age and stage is to let go and welcome the final journey with equanimity and curiosity. I'm not quite that far along! I just want to do a deep clean of the attic! And stop whining because my kids don't call me. And stop wishing Hub and I were more alike in some major areas. None of that will change. Letting it go.
Here's an example of that last thing: Hub likes to go away on solo trips -- mostly camping and doing challenging long hikes and kayak paddles or his passion, snowboarding. I like to stay home, but often feel lonely. I finally figured it out. His family of origin story was needing, at a very young age, to prove to himself that he could take care of himself and didn't need anyone. Independence and competence were primary to him and made him feel safe. Our "core wounds" play out in many ways throughout our lives. One way for him is that he goes off alone on physically demanding trips to remind him of that sense of safety. As for me, my family of origin story was one of never feeling "seen" or understood, not being able to trust people to be there for me in important ways. So I am on a lifelong quest for connection, reveling in meaningful relationships with people I can trust, creating spaces (my home, facilitating groups) that are welcoming and nurturing. That is my safe place. I strive for this, driving myself crazy with trying so damn hard to find my safety with other people (who so often don't/can't ever meet that core need in me.) You can see where Hub and I could be at odds, right?
Where I get into trouble is creating a reality that is mine and assuming it is everyone's. I caught myself today and was able to let it go. This is a HUGE thing!
Hub is away camping, Day 4. I am home doing grandkid childcare. I assumed he would get up at his usual leisurely pace, pack up, and drive the hour home, arriving early afternoon, having had a great time the past 3 days/nights, ready to be back at home, to see me, and for sure to see our granddaughter for awhile. That was a "reality" that would work for me. Not him. He texted me at 11:30 and said he was packed and ready but planned to go on another hike, maybe another kayak outing, and would be home at "dinnertime" (a vague ETA). His priority was squeezing a few more hours of adventure and alone time out of his last day away. In the not distant past (last week --- haha) I would have been sad, resentful, even angry. Today I was momentarily taken aback, then just chuckled at myself. Of course I was seeing his priorities of away/alone/adventure through mine of home/connection/relationships. We are different. Not gonna change.
What does any of this have to do with feeling like I might be dying? Because in letting go of my old stories, my old preoccupations, my old possessions, my old determinations to change the unchangeable, it feels like I am making space for something new. I have no idea what that is. I have no visions, fantasies, dreams, or desires other than to get super quiet, live in each moment as best I can, seek ways to find meaningful connections that have no assumptions or strings attached, become my own priority, and see what happens.
Maybe that's some definition of Heaven...we'll see.
At least, that's the view from here...©
Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com
