We sat in my family room reminiscing about the "pioneer days"...those days nearly 30 years ago when we set out on an unknown journey of the heart, creating a new paradigm of family building.
Last night my Son-One's birthmother came for a visit. She was in the area for a Spring Break vacation with her 12 year-old. Son-One and his family spent the day with them at the zoo, then all came here for dinner.
Sound strange? Not to us. Not any more. But there was a time...oh yes, there was a time when I would not have believed my own story.
After six years of infertility treatments (with no diagnosis, ever), Hub and I decided we were not really into re-creating ourselves in some DNA-induced duplication of genes. We just wanted to be parents. We looked into adoption and found a program called "Open Adoption Services". Huh? "Open"? What the hell was that?
What it was, was a new idea in adoption circles where the woman experiencing an unplanned pregnancy could make an adoption plan for her baby BY CHOOSING THE ADOPTIVE PARENTS! Radical, empowering, liberating, and terrifying.
What it was, was a new idea in adoption circles where prospective adoptive parents were not just moving up the list of names in some social worker's desk file, but CREATING A BIOGRAPHICAL PORTFOLIO OF INFORMATION AND PHOTOS FOR THE BIRTHMOTHER TO REVIEW! Radical, empowering, liberating, and terrifying.
Based on the portfolios presented her, "our" birthmother chose us. The Social Worker arranged for us to meet her and her mom in a beautiful park in the city where she lived. I was a total wreck of nerves, self-doubt, and dread. Immediately all those feelings fell away. We talked and laughed and felt like we'd known each other forever. A cosmic connection of epic proportions, made in some other lifetime perhaps.
A little over a month later, our precious son was born. He and his birthmom and her extended family spent 10 days together until she knew it was time for us to visit again...this time to take Son-One home. We drove to their city and pulled up in front of their house, and again I was a bit of a wreck. I will never forget knocking on the door, and having her answer, newborn in her arms, holding him out to me saying, "Here is your son." We all dissolved into a circle of hugs and tears. And spent a few hours together sharing our collective awe and admiration for this tiny, perfect being who was born of love and would be raised in devotion and gratitude for all of his days.
Over the intervening years we've kept in touch, with letters, cards, photos, occasional visits, with Son-One always knowing the story of his birth and adoption and accepting it as a matter of fact, not so strange or scary or different from the way many families are formed. There are no divided loyalties...everyone knows, accepts, and embraces our roles in this "extended family of the heart".
These days Open Adoption is the norm. But not everyone retains a connection. Not all families are compatible or comfortable together. I feel like I have friends, not obligations, when we meet. I don't think this is luck. I think this is Providence.
At least, that's the view from here...©.
