I'M NOT BUSY

I ran into an activist friend at the No Kings event on Saturday.  I had not seen or talked to her much since I left the Leadership Team of our local Indivisible group last spring.  She saw me from a distance, waved, and made a beeline toward me with arms outstretched for a hug.  It was lovely and I was grateful to feel seen and appreciated by her.  

She asked, "How have you been?  Busy?"  And I started to answer the way we all do -- "Oh yes! Busy!  I've been .... blah, blah, blah..."  But I immediately corrected myself after saying, "Yes..." and said, "Actually, no.  I'm not busy.  I don't want to be."

I'm glad I was able to recall my commitment to rigorous honesty in that moment, but also glad I was able to identify for myself that I'm truly not busy!  

Hub and I are doing lots of sorting and clearing of physical items and digital accumulations that stretch back decades.  We both check in after these sorting, tossing, (sometimes) keeping sessions and exclaim to each other that both individually and together we've lived most of our adult lives being "busy".  

We had careers that demanded (too) much time and attention; 

kids who needed everything all the time at various ages and stages; 

a big house and piece of property we mostly tended ourselves with a zillion hours of DIY projects; 

for a time we had a second home 5 hours away that demanded it's own tending; 

cared for aging and fragile parents; attended too many family funerals; 

we volunteered for many, many do-gooder organizations and communities of connection; 

we volunteered for political causes; 

we pursued our own personal growth introspective work alone and with others; 

I did a nine month yoga teacher training;

we led groups; 

served on boards; 

chaired committees; 

facilitated retreats; 

created programs; 

had lots of friends and socialized frequently, often hosting big gatherings in our home both as organizers of this or that and also just to have fun; 

we took vacations and went on work-related trips,

we worked on relationship issues, parenting, grandparenting (providing childcare for our infant/toddler granddaughter) -- the hard emotional "busy" that comes with life.

It exhausts me to see the old calendars I uncovered in a file cabinet where each and every day had (often) several notations of appointments, commitments, and responsibilities.  

We also talk now about the toll all of that "busy" took.  We both commit to things whole-heartedly because we believe in what we are doing, think our efforts could benefit others, and want to do a better than a "good job" -- we strive to be excellent.  We both have a bit of a perfectionist streak -- Hub probably for his whole life; me certainly starting in my mid-30s when being a "good enough" mom wasn't good enough at all.  I devoted myself to kids, home, hearth, community, and self-examination constantly, all the time, and with expectations of expertise.  

It sounds like we were strict taskmasters.  Not really.  We were also fun and enjoyed our work, our friends, our kids, our home.  It was just that we were also stressed a lot.  

Hub used his "set a goal and tunnel vision toward it" strategy to the point of shutting out everyone and everything that might stand in the way (me, kids, emotions, feelings).  I used my "you can do this; keep pushing!" pep talks each time I would (frequently) get overwhelmed with negative self-talk and resultant self-loathing because I felt I couldn't keep going or get it 'right', to the point of cyclical bouts of anxiety and depression.  

Hub removed himself to focus on the tasks at hand just as I wanted to cling to him to get some relief and reassurance.  It was not a good combo.  Not until during my most recent work with a therapist, did I understand our patterns were born of attachment bonding wounds going back to childhood.  His "avoidant attachment" (if I am self- sufficient, competent, and totally independent, I won't have to rely on anyone and feel afraid of being alone) and  my "anxious attachment" (if I am good and compliant and I dance as fast as I can on a million pinheads to get your love and attention, I won't have to be afraid of being left behind)... clashed, to say the least.

(OK.  That was a little side-trip into self-knowledge. I can't help myself.  I really should  have been a therapist.  I just love learning why we are the way we are and teaching that to others so that awareness can help to heal and change future behaviors.  You are welcome. 😊)

Anyway, our busyness made us both stressed out and separated from each other in times when together would have been healthier, but who had time for that?

Then Covid.  Together was the only option available.  And "busy" was not really a thing.  Hub continued with a lot of his climate work, spending long hours alone at the computer, but I pretty much went into hibernation.  My biggest lament was not being able to see my family.  But frankly, the relief from other commitments and socializing was a balm to this introvert's soul.  I sort of loved having no obligations.  The world got quiet.  So did I.

And of course that passed and we slowly made our way back to seeing people and doing things, just (for me) at a slower pace and with more intention.  I very consciously do NOT fill up my calendar.  I do not volunteer for much beyond a one-off commitment; for example, I'll do a stint registering voters for the League of Women Voters, when so moved, but I'm not serving on a committee.  I have stepped down from any place that would put me "in charge" or in leadership.  

I took a brief foray into being on the Leadership Team for my local Indivisible but that lasted only 7 months and for many reasons resulted in frustration for me (and an unexpected physical toll), which led to the stark realization that my leadership days were really over.  I devoted myself to doing a good job there, but I ended up with no patience for navigating the organization's growing pains and knew I was the wrong person for the position. I've rarely quit anything I committed to.  It was hard. But I hope they saw my resignation as a gift, and not a snub.

These days I look back with some exhaustion, but also pride in my former life's work.  Still, now I am more and more interested in what brings me contentment, comfort, and joy.  I guess I'm still "busy" but not in the conventional sense.  

At 75, I'm busy learning and growing into this new age and stage of life: slower, quieter, more discerning.  I'm busy finding satisfaction in crocheting blankets for the convalescent center near me, making hearts to give away as part of the Acts of Kindness 1000 Hearts Project, meeting friends for lunch or coffee, showing up at rallies and marches, contacting legislators, keeping an eye out for when/where to get involved in a way that is not draining, having long talks with Hub every morning over coffee and in the evening over dinner before settling into our TV routine, reading cozy mysteries and women-centered novels, practicing yoga (not just the poses but practicing the life-changing, life-affirming yoga philosophy), going for long walks at the waterfront, hanging out with the grandkids, doing a bit of traveling, planning a move to retirement communal living.  

And, falling in love with Hub in a new and beautiful way as we look back at our 58 years together (54 married) and find ourselves with, finally, a "healthy attachment bond".  We are looking forward to what comes next.  Not busy, but alive with love for what's truly important -- family, friends, and each other.

At least, that's the view from here...©

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P.S. Reading this before hitting "publish" I need to add:

My constant companion and true blue support on this crazy journey has been my 40+ years together best friend who has held me, supported me, challenged me, laughed with me, and loved me through it all.  It started with our instant connection in Mother - Baby class and continues now as we grandmother the babies of those babies.  You know who you are.  I love you. ❤️