"OK, fine. I read your last weird and whiny post about being all stressed out and stuff. Join the club, by the way. But what exactly is freaking you out so much?!? "
Well, on top of everything else, I just minutes ago read that my name, Donna, has not appeared on the list of new baby names at Social Security (which keeps track of such things as popular baby names) since 2010. And only sporadically before that, since it's heyday in the 50s. See? MIA! Want to know were to go to find a few Donnas? Retirement communities!
Yes, we are back to that topic. See previously published post in this blog, "Golden Years". Since I wrote that post I have been immersed, nearly drowning, in all things related to Continuing Care Retirement Communities. We hopped on the bandwagon and with an all-consuming abandon, visited seven places in about 6 weeks (some twice, so it was more than once/week schedule) where we were toured, wined (water for me), and dined by marketing reps to consider their community over the others.
Actually it was much more pleasant than that. Only one place had the "timeshare sales" feel. The others were lovely, kind, friendly, understanding, and surprisingly non-competitive, even urging us to check out the competition so we could make the right choice for us. We really enjoyed our visits and highly recommend getting "eyes on" at an in-person tour when it's your turn to consider this. Websites and rankings don't begin to tell the story. (The highest ranked placed is last on our list -- we won't live there; not for us.)
If you want details, and want to take a look at the library of literature and information I've collected, let me know. Suffice to say, it was a DEEP dive and kept me up at night with floor plans and amenities and locations and entrance fees and monthly fees and ongoing care options and on and on, floating through my brain.
The wait lists are years long so we have wait list deposits down on our favorite places with our #1 being the hoped for outcome. I imagine we will wait for it, even if something else comes up first, but so much depends upon the unknown future. What we do know is that we've moved our timeframe up considerably, and would probably move now if we could. But we also have 43 years of sorting and disposing to do here, so maybe it's good we have a little time to get that accomplished. So there's that.
Also, last summer I joined the Indivisible group in my county and quickly was recruited to be on the Admin Team -- sort of second tier leadership sometimes offering input to the Leadership team but more often being the "worker bees" for Leadership decisions. I thought I'd get a nice and easy remedial education about local politics, a better understanding of State politics, and could rest easy and ignore my first love, National politics, because President Harris would have it well in hand.
Instead, well, you know what happened. And people came out, some for the first time in their lives, to "do something". Our membership went from about 350 (with around 25-30 attending our meetings) to now over 2300 members (with 150+ attending meetings and 100-4,000 attending rallies and marches and sign-waves). We went from two meetings a month to four for awhile, with Admin meetings weekly instead of monthly and jilloins of emails in between with rapidly shifting plans and schedules. Everyone was pivoting with every new outrage trying to address the issues, contact legislators, input info on new members, organize meetings, set up rallies, get permits for marches, speakers, etc etc. And suddenly my gentle foray into local politics became another occasion for demands on my time, frustration (grassroots, all volunteer orgs don't always run efficiently and without drama), overwhelm, and lost sleep. So there was that.
In the midst, we had managed to schedule a couple of vacations to see family and friends in both the Southwest and Southeast parts of the country, which I now feel badly about cuz I was so tired and sick (a month of IBS and migraines), I couldn't really enjoy them as I'd hoped and they just seem slotted in rather standing out. Glad I took photos. But I do remember the family and friends gatherings with gratitude.
And then there are the heartaches and heartbreaks. In this same time period we have had four close friends experience life-threatening medical emergencies, two we know on Hospice, and one sudden death of a beloved pet. Shock and grief have also kept me awake.
All of this is just life, right? But all of it is also very stressful, with the undercurrent of the daily attacks on our government and the rapid erosion of our democracy and rule of law and the constant drumbeat to fight back and at one point I had no fight left. We who have the "highly sensitive/highly responsive trait characteristics" really struggle with the chaos of the unexpected and highly emotional. I had to step down from my position with Indivisible; make my peace with knowing I couldn't be at bedside for everyone all the time; couldn't force those retirement joints to put me at the top of their waitlists; process that the whole CCRC investigation also brought up the loss and grief of moving from our home and focusing on our older, older years, which is a bit hard and sad; plus, I certainly couldn't save the Union single-handedly. I had to humbly admit I was powerless, at least until I could recharge.
Some wonder why I'm so "easily" stressed when others can shrug things off and power on, but I offer that stress of any quantity is common, even "normal" I guess, but never healthy for extended periods. And I get through without any drugs. I don't use alcohol, don't use any sort of drug recreationally, don't use sleeping pills or Xanax or anything like that, don't chase dopamine highs in other ways (well, OK, I maybe ate some cookies, but I'm off that sugar thing now.) I lost my meditation practice to the craziness, and missed too many yoga classes, and ditched my regular walks. Not good. Back at it now.
So, this Donna is returning slowly with more lessons learned about boundaries, the vagaries of growing older, the realities of what one person can realistically accomplish, the self compassion to let go of comparisons, and the renewed resolve to take care of little 'ol me.
Also....I have the happy stress of being an expectant Grandma. In about 7 weeks we will welcome grandchild #3. Son Two and lovely DIL have chosen to go old school and not learn the sex of the child, so names are still up in the air, but if they turn out to be a girl, I think reviving "Donna" would be a good choice. I might be the fourth Donna (as I found out) at our #1 retirement place, but there won't be another in Kindergarten, I'll betcha.
At least, that's the view from here...©
Photo Credit: pixabay.com
In our email exchange I don't think I mentioned the importance of picking out a retirement community that is located close to your medical network or at least a network that you can change to. If you get to the point where you have to give up driving, it will make a huge difference in finding rides or Ubers. All of my doctors---eye, ears, skin, internist and bone doctors are within a mile of where I live on as opposed to a 45 minute drive from where I used to live.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jean. Yes, we also looked into that and in all places are within a block or a mile or 5 miles of medical care.
DeleteHi Donna, I am very invested/ interested in your retirement community journey as I live in Snohomish County and we are about a decade behind you. My older friends who lived in San Diego went to live in one in 2000 and really loved their’s. Would you be willing to send me more info/write on your blog more about your search/etc? I didn’t see your email address when I checked your profile-how do I communicate with you privately without showing my email address publicly in the comments section? Thank you!
ReplyDeleteHi Rachael, Did you find my blog through a mutual friend? It's mostly friends and family who come here since I am protective of privacy like you, regarding not wanting your email visible. And I don't really know how to communicate on this site privately. Sorry. Anyway, to answer your question, we started the search with Googling Continuing Care Retirement Communities (CCRCs) in Washington. (Many now prefer to be called Life Plan Communities.) We wanted to stay in the Puget Sound area so narrowed our search to that area. Be aware, there are different types: Type A requires an entrance fee and monthly fee which remains the same as you move up levels of care. Type B requires an entrance fee and monthly fee, but the monthly fee will go up depending upon the level of care one needs. And not all have skilled nursing care on site. Monthly fees are generally based on square footage, location on the property or building, and views. I'd say start with a Google search, look at websites, but ALWAYS go for a tour to get eyes on at each place. Marketing is NOT high pressure and you will learn a lot. One bit of advice we were given is that each has its own "vibe" and you will know pretty quickly if the place is a good match for you in terms of its "feel" and "culture". Also look at their newsletters and lists of resident committees and interests. Many have a church affiliation, but not all put that front and center as part of the everyday culture. (Some do.) Some have a "homey" feel, some very sophisticated. Some are large and spread out over several acres, some are high rises. You get the idea. We found as we looked, that what we assumed we wanted was different after we visited others we didn't think we'd like, but actually did. The financial aspect is separate from the "vibe", but be sure to choose a place you will be excited to move to. Wait lists are long -- you are wise to start the search early. If you want to be on a wait list, most places ask for a $1000-$2000 fully refundable deposit. This will often give you access to some community activities and events so you can begin to get a better feel for the place before moving in. Good Luck!
DeleteHi Donna, I signed in to my google account to comment this time; maybe that would allow you to see my email address without it being seen publicly?
ReplyDeleteI followed misadventures of widowhood’s blog link to get to you and have been reading you since before / around the pandemic. As a fellow HSP, I relate to a number of things you have written about and when you wrote the post about going on the river cruise, I wondered if my husband and I would also wake up early to make sure to grab the only two person table.
Thank you for replying back to my comment. I would really like to know which places felt like they could be home and which were completely not and why you felt that way. I’m a deep introvert who likes to be social and can even look like an extrovert.
No, sorry. Still no email address. We seem to be at a privacy stalemate. I'll try to answer here as others might be following along. I too feel I am a social introvert, so I liked the places that had lots to do, but also no expectation to join in on everything. I kept a log of "over all vibe" and equated it with a place I already know to give me a hint of the "feel" (one place I had as Hallmark town and another Upper East Side Manhattan. LOL) I kept track of which seemed to have activities and groups that matched my interests (yoga, meditation, leaned liberal, good library, environmental awareness, scheduled outing destinations, etc). I noted the public spaces -- colors and decor, and how welcoming and friendly the staff was and how they interacted with residents. I talked to residents when I could and asked what they loved and what they found annoying or challenging about the place. Be an observant detective and trust your gut. I tended to like the places that felt warm and friendly, but still a little classy -- not stereotypically old fashioned and feminine looking (too much peach and pink LOL) -- I like earth tones and soft inviting furniture in decor, lots of green spaces and trees out my window, and quiet outdoors (no loud traffic) vs. more impersonal "high tech" (silver and navy blue) colors and surfaces, views that looked at other buildings, noisy freeway traffic. Now, having said that, one place that was a downtown high-rise might end up being the better value cost-wise (and had great food!) -- we are looking into details there, and that might be a consideration worth taking another look. There are pros and cons to every choice and no one place is perfect. You will know when you see the place that resonates with you. That's why actually visiting is so important. ALSO, they are "selling" independent living for sure. It's the flashy stuff that gets people in the door. Be sure to understand as best you can the assisted living, memory care, and skilled nursing options too. You can generally visit at least the assisted living wings/floors. It was important to me that all three of these options be on site which was the whole point of investigating CCRCs in the first place for me. But some have very small memory care units or no skilled nursing on site at all. Doing the homework and the visits will teach you so much. I am finding it both overwhelming at times and also fascinating from a learning standpoint. Two of our now favorite places were initially low on our interest list. We visited and loved them. Our original top choice is now not in the running at all. Dive in!
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