GOLDEN YEARS

Hub turned 75 this month.  I'm right behind him by 9 months -- I'll hit that mark in December.  We are both blessed with pretty good health and stamina/mobility.  AND no one is invincible, as it turns out.  We've both also had some health issues, which so far have resolved well, but are also a reminder that we are one accident or illness away from a whole different existence.  One never knows when that disruption will occur, but when we look around and get real about our denial, we see that many of our age cohorts are facing some of the challenges that bodies and minds growing older can bring.

I like to anticipate and mitigate problems long before they occur.  Some describe this trait as being a "worrywart", as having anxiety, as expecting the worst, etc etc.  I like to think I'm just a good Girl Scout -- being prepared and ready for whatever might pop up.  I like feeling that I've anticipated what I can and have put plans in place for facing what I must.  I am working on acceptance and resilience.  I'd rather respond than react.  I'd rather have next steps already figured out rather than face an emergency situation where decisions are impulsive or out of my hands.

I've thought through the options for next steps:  

1. Stay in our big house, which we love with all our hearts, until we are carried out kicking and screaming to some place our kids have found for us, which may be the only "bed" they could find in a long-term care facility. Or they might move us into one of their home's basement spare rooms, both of which at least have some daylight windows, but still...I'm not thrilled with living with my kids and they are not skilled caregivers at any rate.

2. Stay in our big house, which we love with all our hearts, until we are dead -- before which our kids will have had to hire caregivers (who may or may not be to our liking and may or may not include a job turnover revolving door of new faces) who hang out with us, but we are essentially isolated as we are less mobile and less stimulated by people and outings.  And someone still has to maintain the house inside and out.

3.  Stay in our big house, which we love with all our hearts, until we realize (or our kids do) that we need to move to assisted living or long-term care and need so much help with the decision and the move and the sale of our home, etc.

4.  Leave our big house, which we love with all our hearts, of our own accord and "downsize" to a smaller house, condo, or apartment, still aware that at least one more move is in our futures should we decline in ability to live independently.

5.  Leave our big house, which we love with all our hearts, of our own accord and move to a new community, purpose-built for folks who want to make only ONE more move and be able to live their remaining days independently for as long as they can, then move to assisted living on the same campus, then maybe to Memory Care or whatever.  This is called a Continuing Care Retirement Community.

Of those options, I think I like the CRCC so far.  Yes, we will grieve leaving our home of 43 years and counting, but staying beyond our ability to make the decision to leave on our own is not appealing.  So, we've decided to gather information and start looking at Continuing Care Retirement Communities.  They are all the rage in the over 70 set!  (Although residents need only be over 62.)  

We visited our third place last week and have one scheduled for this week as well.  Wait lists are long.  We are looking at a 5 year plan, so getting our names on a list now is wise.  

There are many factors to consider and our first was to find a place in the county where we live, where things are familiar and close to our oldest son and his family, who now live only 10 minutes away from us.  Alas, the one place in our county was not to our liking.  So we started looking to the south -- in Seattle -- where there are several choices.  All are similar, yet all have a certain "vibe" that we can feel as we tour and talk with staff and residents.  

AND we know we are working with the marketing team who are putting their best foot forward to entice our signature on the dotted line.  It's a bit hard to discern where marketing ends and truth begins but I'm becoming bolder in asking real questions and insisting on honest answers.  If they evade, their place gets a black mark for non-transparency.  I'm tough.  

I like it best when we can interact with the residents themselves.  And what we have found at each place we've toured so far (and among friends who have already chosen this option) is that they all seem to love living where they do.  And they have acknowledged that no place is perfect.  It's a "pro"/"con" list thing and a best judgement call at the time.

They've all sold bigger, well-loved homes; they've all adjusted to communal living; they've all made new friends; they've all found community and purpose; some have spouses who have had to move to the Assisted Living apartments or Memory Care and they love being close enough to visit and share meals daily.  

They love the activities, the amenities (swimming pool, gym, restaurants, libraries, shop and craft spaces, gardens, health care like PT and OT, guest lecturers, outings, transportation, etc),  and the conveniences of zero maintenance issues.  

And yes, the price tag on this can be high.  Yet, the places we've visited have a range of financial options and all have more moderately priced residences available, in addition to the fancy, schmancy higher priced ones.  No matter what size or location of your living space, all the amenities and public spaces are shared alike.

In conclusion...there is no conclusion.  I have no bottom line nor gained wisdom on any of this yet.  Actually all options are still on the table.  I just know I surely never anticipated this kind of thing would occupy so much of my time and mental energy.  And if it did, I assumed I'd be a sad, grieving, anxious mess of emotion about it.

Surprisingly, instead, I'm feeling a warm curiosity and almost excitement about what we can create for our next stage of life.  It will be totally different from how we have lived so far in many ways, but also better in some ways too for the next step.  I love the idea of amenities, activities, and social contact just outside my door.  I love that I will be safe and looked after for as long as we are a 'we' or that each of us will have a built-in community of care when one of us is alone.  I love the idea that we will not have to move again if we grow frail or addled.  I love the idea that my older son and his family, even if we end up in Seattle, will still only be 40 minutes away and my younger son and his family only about 15 minutes away.  

Yes, we will feel deep grief at leaving this big house where we raised our family, made memories, crawled over every square inch inside and out, created gardens, and rooms, and rejoiced and yelled and cried and lived a full and amazing life.  And yet...grief, as all emotions do, comes and goes.  If we are heading to a new life that holds allure, with a new beginning on the horizon, maybe the grief will be easier to bear.  I feel us mentally and emotionally preparing for something different, someday.  I'm just not sure what that will be yet.

In the meantime, we have a whole lot of clutter-busting to do!  Five years is just about long enough to get it done.  LOL

At least, that's the view from here...©

P.S.  I know many of you are at an age when this topic might also be on your mind.  I'd love to hear your thoughts and plans. We all have differing desires and circumstances but we will all face this decision eventually.  Let's share ideas.

Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com