A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT...ALONE

I'm listening to the wind howl and the rain hit the windows of the Airbnb place I rented for myself on a whim months ago.  I had decided to take a solo trip, a personal retreat to start the New Year.  This is one of my "intentions" -- to challenge my comfort zone more often.  I don't really enjoy traveling alone or being away from home at all, really.  Oh sure, I go places with Hub and we have a great time once we have arrived at wherever we are going.  I just don't like the actual travel that much.  And doing it alone is a whole other thing.

Here's what I notice:  I definitely depend upon him to handle most of the logistics of planning and certainly, for sure, the logistics of which way to turn.  I'm directionally challenged.  Also, I hate driving in the rain, or the dark, so he does (although I do most all of the driving for both of us otherwise).  It's a 3-1/2 hour drive from my house to the ocean coast where I am.  I did most of it in a downpour because, of course, it's January in the Pacific Northwest!  There was a several mile detour off a state highway at one point, with questionable signage, on some winding backwoods road (to my city girl sensibilities), so my GPS was useless and I got lost twice.  That was fun.  I made it well before dark, but stressed and exhausted.

First on the agenda was meeting up with some friends to see artwork at the Coastal Interpretive Center, which lifted my spirits considerably.  One of the woman I've known for years but she moved way out here. We became re-connected when she signed up for my Zoom yoga class; the other I met recently because she also takes my yoga class.  The first had virtually held my hand with tips about that detour and landmarks and directions.  The other gifted me, upon arrival,  a 'retreat' bag of bath salts, tea, a book (HumanKind) and a handmade felt heart representing support for sobriety (that's another blog post).  I am just done in by their kindnesses.  When you are trying to pull up your big girl panties and do new things alone, it really does mean the world to have cheerleaders along the way, including my BFF back home who is enduring my texts so that someone in the world knows I'm still alive.

So here I am 2/3 of the way through my 3 night stay.  I brought enough reading to keep me occupied for a month.  I brought crocheting so I can start to replenish my stash of blankets and afghans for donation.  I brought my computer and my intention to  blog (hello!) and journal and sort some hard things out.  I brought the intention to walk the beach and nature trails and explore the town.  (But I don't like being cold and wet, so?)  I brought the intention to continue my yoga continuing ed class online. (But now I don't feel like "working".) 

I brought my willingness to be very uncomfortable and just lean into that and see what insights might emerge. I plan to do more of this in coming months until the discomfort and feelings of loneliness fade, until it becomes commonplace for me to go away alone, until it feels like freedom.

I realize, with embarrassment, that at my age this exploration of being alone in the world is long overdue.  Of course I've had a life that wasn't totally dependent on others.  I've done lots of hard  things when I had too.  Hub had a demanding, time-sucking career and a passion for doing personal growth work in various groups that took him away many times.  I handled a lot of the home-front/family stuff, worked full time at a stressful job, had primary responsibility for my mom and her dementia issues, etc etc.  Life stuff.  I just mostly choose not to nurture myself by being alone, alone.  I love the security and pleasure of connections with others.  I love sharing experiences and conversations and observations.  And I like a lot of quiet, alone time, but that means a few hours spread out over the day/week, not days on end with no other humans I know in sight.  I love being at home with Hub, just hanging out in our life together.

But here's the thing.  Hub goes away a lot.  Unlike me, he likes time completely alone, not having to consider anyone else in his decisions sometimes.  He camps alone for a few days at a time throughout the summer; goes on snowboard trips alone from one day to a few days to a week or more several times each winter. And I am left at home, which can be fine and can also be an issue.  I decided I needed to take my own time and space alone too.  It would help me grow in a new way, challenge my comfort zone, create experiences and memories that are mine alone.

So I'm sitting here realizing, of course, that many of you are alone not by choice.  I understand and marvel at your resiliency, strength, and "gumption".  It takes a lot of energy to do hard things.  And what I'm doing isn't even hard...I'm in a nice place, will hang with two great women who live in this town who I'm excited to welcome here to my lovely Airbnb today to do fabric art together.  I'll go home to my safe place tomorrow.  Hub will be around between snowboard trips -- in fact, I am accompanying him on one later this month.

But for now...I listen to the wind, hear the rain, sip my coffee, and feel all the feels about being in a strange place alone -- just noticing what arises for me: fear, happiness, sadness, loneliness, confidence.  It's all there.  Also I'm hoping for better luck navigating the detour on the way back home.

At least, that's the view from here...©