I'm writing letters to myself as a nurturing and affirming practice when I feel lost, neglected, depressed, anxious -- all those human feelings, stories, and emotions that we often eat, drink, drug, TV binge, sleep (choose your feel-better activity) away.
Almost four years ago I had a significant bout of depression and anxiety that landed me on the therapist's couch. One of the things we worked on was my general predilection to minimize, deny, and abhor those parts of myself that need nurturing. I push my 'childish' feelings down, but they remain hidden, hunkered down in a shadowed corner of my heart, while also almost simultaneously crying out, after sneaking around to take up residence in my oh so very busy and judgmental brain, berating me for my "neediness".
My therapist pointed out that there is no one on this earth who doesn't need nurturing on a daily basis. That doesn't have to mean a constant supply of hugs and ice cream, but it does mean that the feelings we feel need to be expressed, then to be seen, heard, felt, known, and acknowledged, ideally by another. These are human desires of affirmation and connection. We long to know we matter.
She taught me that radical self-acceptance is my 'go to' place when I start wishing something was different in my life. I am just fine just as I am. It's all good. No one else can define for me who I should be. Love myself for who I am in this moment. I don't like some part of that "me"? Gain insight, get help; change what I can or what I want to. Accept that not everything I am meshes well with others and that's OK too. Work on making that work; or not.
Often there is no way to change or get what I want from my life or from other people in this moment, so I must accept that I want something different than what is available to me. And then trust myself to take needed action. (A new president, as a trivial example, was one of the things that came up, jokingly, in counseling in the Spring of 2016. I lamented, "But what if he wins?!?" And she smiled and said, "Accept what is real." Ugh!)
So after accepting myself as I am and acknowledging the realness of my situation, I was encouraged to find self-compassion. Instead of diving into self-loathing depression or looking to others to "fix" my predicament, I must take care of my own tender heart. So often we easily find compassion for others while being super hard-ass with ourselves. We are the only ones who can love ourselves fully, but it takes practice.
So, lately I've had to think about the "realness" of a few situations in my life; I've had to accept that I am a person who wishes some things were different (others might find no fault with these situations -- we are all different), and that there is nothing wrong with the unique me for needing this. Then I need to find compassion for my hurt places and take action to care for them.
That's where the letters come in. I've been writing to myself, offering understanding, acknowledgement, compassion, words of affirmation. I am taking care of myself. It feels a wee bit lonely, as I long for others to give me the acknowledgement and understanding I need, but also very empowering to stop waiting for the impossible and just take care of myself.
I observe the existential aloneness that comes over me at times, a gut punch of recognition that we are singular beings in this realm who connect with others for only a moment before our unknown journey commences to whatever awaits us. Who better to step up to nurture, care for, tend, and love our own sweet souls than ourselves? We are, truly, the only ones who truly can.
At least, that's the view from here...©
Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com
We do whatever we have to do to stay sane in our insane world. You put a lot of extra pressure on yourself to be all things to all people, I'm guessing. Taking care of yourself is a good thing!
ReplyDeleteThat used to be more true than it is now. It's one of the things I've worked to change, and still a work in progress.
DeleteI guess my tendency to feel deeply, to empathize too much, to hold love and grief in the same hand, is a characteristic of "highly sensitive people" -- an actual designation of a constellation of characteristics of certain people and I meet most of them -- that lands me in places of sadness and aloneness at times. Not everyone understands it; some see it as a problem. And that's OK. Just means I have to acknowledge my own reality, accept my hardwiring, and find a way to be in connection with those who do their emotional lives differently. Ain't life a puzzle?!?!?
Life's grand! Trust yourself. Nobody else knows what's going on, either. I remember what a revelation it was to me when I figured that out. I even remember the stoplight I was sitting at (SR 434 and Sand Lake Road). I had always assumed everyone else had it together and knew exactly what to do and I just didn't. No, everybody is just as clueless as I am, they just pretend they know what's going on. It was so freeing to have this epiphany, I went home and told my husband about it. And he corroborated it, and ever since, I have more confidence in myself than anyone else, and it's wonderful.
ReplyDeleteFor better or worse, we are all unique. No one can know "exactly how you feel," they can only react to what they would feel in your situation. I like the idea of stepping back and writing letters to oneself! Also, I like your therapist.
ReplyDelete