I've come to realize that any creative outlet that is enjoyable and relaxing is not a waste of time -- or of a life. She sewed, knitted, crocheted, embroidered, painted landscapes, wrote family histories and short stories, drew the plans for the building of my teenager years home (her dream house in 1966), went to school and opened her own business -- a beauty shop in our home -- at age 43, and did all the traditional "housewife" stuff that a woman did in her adult life in the 1940's, 50's, 60's, 70's, and beyond. She took great pride in "keeping house" while caring for our family.
If I possessed half her creative talents and had half her energy, I'd be happy. My life is more of the contemplative, personal growth, activist, and spiritual quest variety. My nod to traditional creative pursuits lies only in writing, crocheting (only blankets and scarves -- nothing that has to actually fit anyone!) and coloring (within the lines someone else has drawn, in low light conditions, maybe without my reading glasses.) I've painted a few little watercolors that I like and many more that ended in the recycling bin. I like to take photographs but don't like the technical aspects of "real" photography. I keep thinking "maybe someday I'll do something with all those photos". Maybe. Someday.
As I settle in to the dark season my thoughts turn to settling into the Autumn of my life as well. I like to tell my doctors I fully expect to live another 30 or more years. Yet I know that would be beating the odds a bit. My plan is to do all I can within my power to keep myself healthy, but there is so much that is out of our control that my other plan is to make peace with whatever comes that I will never foresee.
And I know that 30 years is not that long. I've already seen projections of projects and plans around various political aspirations and community planning ideas that are that far out and more. I realize these are plans for others, not for me. I won't be here to see them come to fruition. I've reached that stage in life when I both mourn that reality and pray for all these wonderful things to become manifest for my children and their children. All I can do is do what I can now to help further those goals for future generations. I find some peace in that.
I don't mean to sound maudlin here. I'm not really. I'm just finding myself in a place of contemplation and acceptance. I don't mind a bit slowing my pace, sorting out priorities, making a meaningful life in connection with others, prioritizing home and family and contentment.
I'll still take to the streets and bug my representatives and practice yoga and hang out with my grandkids and travel a bit....
But I'll also leave ample time for color books and crochet projects -- choosing palettes and patterns that speak to me, that a provide a fleeting bright spot of beauty as darkness engulfs for a time, before the return of the light and the cycle begins anew.
At least, that's the view from here....©
I love this post. I can relate to watching your mother crochet and thinking you'd never waste your life like that. For me it was watching my mom play solitaire one game after another. Now I do the same thing as a way of clearing my mind.
ReplyDeleteI hate the long nights of winter!
My mom played solitaire too! There are so many things I understand now that I didn't then. I guess that's the way of things. But I regret my judgements and wish I'd tried harder to find connection and compassion for where she was in her life instead of being so busy being self-righteous. Sigh.
DeleteI play solitaire while trying to think how to write the next paragraph. My middle daughter (who is a college professor) also plays. It is, I suppose, also meditative. I've seen men knitting in church and my sister-in-law crochets. She crocheted the whole four years her husband was in the living room dying. It is the "nothing" of the action that lets to...something else or the appreciation of "now". I walk...sometimes I am thinking or singing in my head and other steps I am being appreciative of my life.: friends, family, food, shelter, etc.
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