PROWLER AND MUSINGS

A couple weeks ago at 1:52 a.m. my phone dinged, waking me from a light sleep, with an alert from our security camera showing a man walking up my driveway and around our garage.  What?!?  Then another "ding" and the back camera picked him up on the patio heading for the door that would lead into the house that is well-hidden from anyone's view.  He walked up to the door, looked up at the little row of windows at the top, and immediately turned and left briskly.  I think he saw the 24 hr security monitoring system sticker.  If he'd opened the door, the alarm would have gone off and police would be called.  Nonetheless, my heart was pounding as I dialed 911.  In short order I saw the squad car pull to within a block of our house, lights off; three officers walked toward our house and once at our driveway, three large and bright flashlights illuminated the whole area as they walked around the whole house.  Nothing.  He was gone.

Earplugs firmly in place, Hub slept through the whole thing, including my 911 call.  People ask why I didn't wake him and I don't really know.  He wouldn't have done any more than I already did and I guess I wanted to just handle it.

I'm practicing individuation.  I've had anxiety probably my whole life as I look back on it, but I never used to have the degree of anxiety that I currently do about feeling vulnerable.  I think it's an age and stage thing.  It started with my "fainting out of the blue for no diagnosable reason" spells 8 or so years ago and when I write that I'm stunned I'm still carrying fear of it happening again after all this time.  I just seem to hold onto bad experiences and let them dictate how I live my life sometimes.  The whole reason we have a security system in the first place is because a guy broke into our home in 1985 when I was home alone with my newborn Son One.  No one has broken in since (although apparently we had a very recent close call.) And my fear of flying was from a horrific flight in 1981!  I've had dozens of great flights since, but still I get queasy every time I board a plane.  Sheesh!

Anyway, Hub travels a fair amount, leaving me home alone and every time he's away it's such an effort to remain calm and centered and anxiety-free.  It's exhausting, actually.  And ridiculous.  It's not as if he is some Ninja-trained, Secret Service style 007-skilled security force ready to jump into action as my protector.   He's just a guy who likely would be pretty freaked out too.  He just calms down faster with a rational rather than an emotional response to most things.  So I'm trying harder to handle things on my own, in my own way, cutting him out of the picture as if I'm a single lady, as strong and capable as all the women I know who live alone in what appears to me to be some strange brew of a silly, saavy, sassy, strong, and determined mindset.  I so admire it.

I also disappoint my feminist self and feel I'm not walking my talk if on the one hand I rail against the patriarchy and on the other I'm a wee bit afraid to be alone, which is weird cuz it's mostly men who are the "bad guys" of my nightmares and mostly men who I think can keep me safe.  That dualistic
thinking gets me into trouble.  The patriarchy IS bad and most criminals are men.  And men are also built to have more physical strength and protect-the-hearth hormones.  But the fact remains I feel like a wuss.

I realize I'm just thinking "out loud" on the page here.  Mostly musing about how couples negotiate their lives together.  Thinking about gender roles and how they shift over time.  Thinking about change and how hard it is. Thinking about ages and stages and how shocked I am that there are still growing pains in a body and mind bumping up against 70 years old and in a marriage bumping up against 50 years long.

I will post this, as I always do, hoping a reader will be able to relate and not feel alone with his/her own struggles to be free, safe, in love, and alone.

At least, that's the view from here....©

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