Aware that the "voice" of this blog is fairly upbeat has contributed to there being no posts this far into October. Every morning this month I've gotten up with the best of intentions to write. Every morning I make coffee, glance at Facebook, read a few emails, pour some more coffee, make my day's "to do" list, page through the newspaper (yes, a real one, delivered to my door), give Facebook another look, chat with Hub, sit down and crochet, add something to the "to do" list, drink some more coffee, wash a few dishes, look at a magazine.....you get the idea. Stuck in Neutral, idling. And that's on a good day.
At least I'm not usually in Low. Low is a gear with which I have some familiarity. Low is where I sometimes plug along, trying not to break down completely by the side of the road, especially after a particularly long stretch of road taken in Overdrive. So, while Neutral doesn't advance me to any destination, it's better than Low -- cuz Low is mostly sitting in a chair crying. Low is mostly feeling like the pull on the engine is more than I can take anymore. Low is a chugging, clanking, near death rattle that seems endless and overwhelming. But what I've learned -- hard lessons aplenty -- is that no matter how low my Low gets, I know I will somehow, sometimes with Herculean effort, jam that clutch in and reach ever so tentatively for the gearshift and knock it at least back into Neutral.
Last Friday I did slip into Low, then stalled. Hub, my mechanic extraordinaire, rushed in with patient diagnostics, just the right tools, and the sweet whisper of his confidence in my ability to self-correct and get back on the road. I cancelled a few things jammed up on my calendar, saved energy for a couple of things I felt I still wanted to do at least marginally well, and took the rest of this week off. Needed repair. Lots of self care, quiet time, cocooning. And touching my own heart. Listening, in meditation, to that inner voice that tells me I am not that Ego that lets this crazy life make me a crazy person.
I lose my way sometimes. My brain chemistry freaks out on me. But I have big heart, healthy body, sound mind, and a Soul that dances. I am shifting back into Drive, the winding road in front of me and adventures that await.
Soon re-approaching cruising speed, but with a light foot on the accelerator.
At least, that's the view from here....©
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