I DON'T WANT TO GO?

 

It took a bit longer than usual, but today, 3 days ahead of our trip, I don't want to go.  

This happens every time.  There is a travel series on Apple TV+ (two seasons so far) hosted by actor/comedian Eugene Levy, called The Reluctant Traveler, where he pokes fun at himself for his anxieties and fears around travel and travel experiences that others seem to relish, but he (and I) prefer to avoid.  Like him I go anyway, and generally love the experience in retrospect, but the pre-trip and even some present-moment realities of travel can be challenging to a highly-sensitive homebody.  

I've learned ways to calm my anxieties around air travel, not sleeping well, gut-upsetting new diet, too much stimulation, too much busyness, being with strangers, getting confused in new cities, and generally just not being in my familiar life.  But still, calming anxiety is not the same as eliminating it.  My highly-sensitive constellation of traits all go on high, high alert. 

(I've written about highly-sensitive people before and I recently read another article about us where the author posited that we be called highly-responsive and I like that better.  "Sensitive" sounds so wimpy and whiny.  But no matter what it's called, about 20% of people have this constellation of traits and it can make life both amazingly deep and joyful and also overwhelming and difficult.  I'm just thankful to have a reason for being the me that I am: highly-responsive to internal and external stimuli/experiences.)

Anyway, I have a list of "to-do" items for each day before we leave.  My OCD tendencies when I'm anxious have now swooped in and I keep adding to the lists.  It was a joke when I was still working that I had to have every single loose end tied up before I went on my vacations, such that I'd work 12 hour days in the week before leaving and compose copious notes for those filling in for me trying to anticipate and mitigate every possible eventuality in my absence.  Then I'd go home and stay up to all hours doing the same at home, including one time repotting all my houseplants!  I'm better now.

I've been on a years-long journey of a spiritual practice of being in present moment.  Anxiety is about the future.  The future doesn't exist.  I meditate.  I practice calming breaths.  I come back to my senses over and over.  I am mostly successful.  But travel always upsets my peace and presents me with the challenge of putting all my tools into practice with great intention.  The way to deal with it is to be present with the discomfort.  Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is a new goal of mine.  Don't we all do whatever we can to avoid any discomfort, physical or emotional?  Just ask the pharmaceutical and recreational drug/alcohol industries how lucrative it is to "fix" people's various real and perceived discomforts.

So, I am looking at this whole trip thing as the lab for my theory class.  Easy to practice present moment calm when things are calm.  Not so easy when things start to feel a wee bit out of control and anything but calm.  My mind is thinking, "I don't want to go" thoughts, but my Awareness is just sitting there watching those thoughts arise and dissipate and I am aware that my thoughts running wild are what is causing my emotional state to go into a reactive anxiety.  Come back to the present moment, my love.  You are sitting in your beautiful room, typing a blog post, sipping coffee, and watching the sun become brighter on this beautiful blue sky Spring day.  All is well, right?

Well, what is not so great are Nazis.  Last night we started watching All the Light You Cannot See on Netflix.  It's a 4-part series about a blind girl sending coded messages to the Allies via her underground radio broadcast.  The Nazis are on to her and on the hunt for her with the reluctant assistance of a young Nazi officer who was basically kidnapped by the SS and sent to a "training center" that was brutal and inhumane in order for him to use his genius with radio stuff in service to the Fuehrer.  It was hard to watch.  At one point I put a blanket over my eyes and ended up sobbing. I cannot abide cruelty. At the end of two episodes, we turned it off.  I won't go back and watch the rest.

Which reminded me that sites of Nazi atrocities are now tourist attractions.  Tickets to Anne Frank's home in Amsterdam are a hot item.  They are limited and only available for purchase 6 weeks ahead of one's planned visit.  We got up at 2:00 a.m. on the requisite date to get ours and felt lucky to be successful. Many are not; they sell out in minutes.  Now I'm wondering....why would I travel all that way, spending part of my vacation day touring the home where Anne Frank hid in secret rooms for years until someone ratted them out and she and her family ended up in the concentration camps anyway?  (Yes, I read the book in high school and it haunted me.)  I have my ticket.  I'll decide when I get there if I will use it.  I may prefer to sit in a field of tulips somewhere, creating a present moment that brings me peace and joy in the midst of travel.

At this point I feel compelled to say,  I don't actually HATE travel.  I've always had lovely experiences and love seeing new places.  I just have a lot of other discomforts along the way.  I am grateful, always, for experiencing it all with Hub, my boyfriend.  He understands me, he supports me, he is patient (mostly) with my quirks.  And I "get" him too.  He will spend a LOT of time taking photos, lagging behind, getting all the sites from every possible angle, all to be downloaded to his desktop computer and never seen again.  At least it slows our pace, and I like that.  More time for present moment awareness. 🙏🏽

Leaving soon...stay tuned...

At least, that's the view from here...©