FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH

"Write what you know," they say.  Well, the dearth of posts this month would indicate I don't know much.  This affliction is commonly known as writer's block, I guess.  And some teachers say there is no such thing.  Just write.

I've tried.  I've been journaling, free-writing, taking a writer's workshop weekly, reading a lot, meditating, chanting...  Nadda.  Nothing.

Here's what I do know:  "Somethin's happenin' here; what it is ain't exactly clear..."

I have felt at loose ends in my life before, but never like this.  Never so loose it feels like I am untethered and slowly lifting off from the solid ground I've always stood on.  I feel like I am standing beside myself, watching me go through the motions of my life, but I have no attachment to it; it just is.

I want to believe I am entering a state of Buddha-nature enlightenment because I am a good student and what takes many lifetimes for most Boddhisatvas, I am accomplishing within about 2 years of intermittent meditation and sporadic study.  Boom! Done!

Or maybe I'm depressed and this lack of attachment is the familiar draining of joy and meaning I know so well with my history of falling into the black pit of despair periodically.  But it doesn't feel like that.

I don't feel hopeless or unworthy.  In fact, the opposite -- I feel like I am everything, all the time, and nothing, none of the time.  (No!  I am not "high"; no matter that weed is now legal in my state, I gave it up several growth and development lifetimes ago and have no interest in becoming reacquainted.  Obviously my own inner reality is trippy enough!)

My overwhelming desire, impulse, longing is to pull in and get super quiet and super intentional in my life.   I am unnaturally delighted on days when there is nothing at all on my calendar.  I do want to go out and see things and experience things and hang out with people -- in limited quantities.  Sometimes I wish I could wear Harry Potter's invisibility cloak at social events; I'm there, but you can't see me or pull me out of my own experience of observation and internalization.

I have been staying home a lot more than I used to; dreading "doing" things.  That's not healthy, and I do long for novelty and interaction with the world.  One day "out" and three days "in" seems about the right ratio now.

So, has anyone diagnosed me yet?  Please?

Here's what feels right to me:  I am in transition to another age and stage -- moving into what will likely be a time of deep spiritual growth and connection to the next plane of existence. (Hopefully many years off, but it takes awhile to prepare!)   I feel a sense of wonder and delight.  I feel deeply, soulfully appreciative of the grace of living this human experience.  I have lessons yet to learn, and lessons yet to teach.  I don't want to waste a single moment on obligations to people, places, or things that do not feed my soul's desire to grow into lightness and peace.

Oh, this sounds very woo-woo, yes?  And yet....

That's the view from here...©